February 7, 2025
406 days without you
Hi Dad,
Were you scared of getting cancer before you actually got cancer? Did it ever cross your mind? Did you ever think that you would die of cancer? Before you knew you were dying of course. Did you ever feel old enough to have to worry about death? You were only 53 (I think?) when you were diagnosed; surely that’s not old enough to think about what will eventually end your life. Well, Dad, I’m 23, and I think about what will kill me every day; namely, if I will be killed by cancer like you were.
I’m not scared of many things, but I’ve recently come to the realization that I am terrified of dying of cancer, so much so that I have an action plan if I get diagnosed tomorrow. I don’t even let myself think about growing old with my husband or having grandkids because I don’t know if I’ll make it that long. I am so scared that one day I will find a lump on my body and my stomach will automatically drop because I know what it means. I’m terrified that even if I find something and am proactive about it, it could already be too late. I’m terrified that my family will have to watch me die and I won’t get to do all the things I want to do in this life. Dad, the other night I woke up in the middle of the night and just cried because I was so scared of getting cancer. And you know what? This fear isn’t even irrational. Did you know that 1 in 3 people who develop colorectal cancer have other family members who had it? The chances of getting it are even higher in those who had an immediate family member (parent, sibling, child) with it.
Apparently they (who is they? Who actually decides what words exist?) have a word for this. Carcinophobia- the fear of getting cancer. Number 1 reason for carcinophobia? Genetic predispositions. Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner.
It’s so bizarre, Dad, because I vividly remember wishing I had your cancer instead of you, that I could take it away from you and put it on myself. And I still stand by that sentiment. In fact, I would rather have cancer than any of my loved ones, but that doesn’t mean I’m not absolutely terrified that it could actually happen.
